Why You Spiral When He Pulls Away (And How to Stop It)
- Diana Fjer
- Apr 2
- 4 min read
Ever felt your chest tighten… your brain flood with fear… and your thoughts spiral the moment he pulls away?
You know it’s happening.
You’re watching yourself panic. Overthinking every word, every pause, every shift in his energy.
And yet—you can’t stop it.
If this is you, I want you to know:
You’re not alone.
And you’re not broken.
This spiral is one of the most common patterns I see in women with anxious attachment. And it doesn’t make you needy or crazy—it means your nervous system is reacting exactly how it was trained to survive.
Let’s break this down together.
Where the spiral comes from.
Why it feels so overwhelming.
And how to start healing it—starting right now.
Here's Why You Spiral When He Pulls Away
This isn’t just overthinking.
It’s not you being dramatic.
It’s what I call an emotional hijack.
It often starts with something small:
A late reply
A shift in tone
Fewer emojis
That intuitive feeling that something’s “off”
Suddenly, your mind is a tornado of questions:
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Is he losing interest?”
“Why does this feel so familiar—and so painful?”
Even if you know you’re spiraling, your body won’t let you stop. You’re in survival mode, scanning for threat, trying to fix something just to feel safe again.
Here’s the truth:
🌀 You’re not too much.
🧠 You’re not broken.
💥 You’re just dysregulated.
Your body is reacting to the perception of disconnection—whether it’s real or not.
The Nervous System Behind the Spiral
When you spiral, what you’re experiencing isn’t just anxiety—it’s a full-blown nervous system response.
This is fight, flight, freeze, or fawn in action.
Your system sees emotional distance and interprets it as danger.
You might:
🔥 Fight: demand answers, try to fix it
🚪 Flight: emotionally check out or distract yourself
❄️ Freeze: go numb, overthink, dissociate
🤝 Fawn: over-apologize, abandon yourself, cling harder
The key thing to understand?
It’s not really about him.
He just activated an old wound.
This isn’t just a reaction—it’s a repetition. A reenactment of a childhood pattern where love felt unstable, inconsistent, or unsafe.
It All Begins in Childhood
If you grew up with emotionally unavailable or inconsistent caregivers, your system learned early that love = unpredictability.
Sometimes love was warm… other times, cold or withdrawn.
As a child, you didn’t understand inconsistency. You internalized it.
“If I were better, more helpful, quieter… maybe they wouldn’t pull away.”
That narrative got embedded deep into your nervous system.
And now, in your adult relationships, the second someone pulls away—your inner child panics.
It’s not just your adult self reacting.
It’s her.
The one who still fears silence, abandonment, and rejection.
She doesn’t need fixing.
She needs you.
A Practice to Interrupt the Spiral
Let’s pause for a moment.
If you’re in a safe space, try this short grounding practice:
Place your feet on the floor. Feel the ground supporting you.
One hand on your chest, one on your belly. Feel your warmth.
Name 3 things you can see. Then 3 things you can feel.
Inhale for 4… hold for 4… exhale for 6. Repeat twice.
You’re not thinking your way out of the spiral.
You’re feeling your way back home.
This is how you start retraining your nervous system. Not by shaming the spiral—but by holding it with compassion.
Reclaiming Safety from the Inside Out
Once you’ve grounded your body, try this energetic recalibration:
Place your hands over your heart and speak this truth to yourself:
“I am safe. Even in silence.”
Visualize a warm light in your heart—growing, expanding, wrapping around your entire body.
Let that light become your anchor.
Your power.
Your reminder that safety doesn’t come from someone else showing up.
It comes from you staying with yourself.
Journal Prompts for Integration
To deepen this, grab your journal and reflect:
“When someone pulls away, the story I tell myself is…”
“If my inner child could speak in that moment, what would she need to hear?”
You may be surprised what comes through.
Often, the spiral isn’t asking for logic—it’s asking for reassurance.
And you’re the one who gets to give it.
The Reframe That Changes Everything
What if this moment… isn’t about him at all?
What if your spiral is showing you where you’re still outsourcing safety?
Where your power still lives in someone else’s hands?
The spiral is a messenger.
It’s not asking you to fix him.
It’s asking you to come back home to you.
This is how the healing begins.
Not when you force yourself to stop spiraling…But when you meet the spiral with presence, compassion, and power.
Final Thoughts
You’re not broken.
You’re not crazy.
You’re not too much.
You’re just healing a very old wound.
And with the right tools, awareness, and support—you can stop the cycle.
💫 Ready to heal this at the root? My 12-week 1:1 coaching program Healing Her is open now.
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